To tell the truth, even during the worst of my alcoholism, I never wanted to change. After all, I was a pretty good guy. I rarely lied or cheated and it had been years and years since I had stolen anything. And as an isolator drinking alone in my darkened apartment most of the time, I wasn't getting into too much trouble...
I wanted my life to be fixed but not changed. So my prayers were, "Oh God, please help me get another job because I'm running out of money." "Please let me meet the right her, God" and "while you are at it God, please let me win the lottery." "Please do these things, God, but whatever you do don't change me because I'm alright."
The idea that there was nothing really wrong with me in spite of overwhelming evidence to the contrary was killing me from the inside out. I wasn't telling lies, I was living a lie. At this point, denial would have been a step up for me. I was in delusion, unable to see even a glimmer of truth about my life.
Then, for reasons I can't explain, God graced me with a moment of clarity. For the first time, I was allowed to see, taste, and feel way down deep that I was an alcoholic. This bit of truth led me quickly to Alcoholics Anonymous where, from the first day, my obsession to drink was totally removed.
This miracle gave me the willingness to do what you folks suggested even though my ego put(s) up strong resistance. At the meetings I found many fine examples of useful and contented sobriety and I had hope that this kind of life was possible for me too. Almost immediately I sensed a brand new feeling -- a willingness to be changed at depth.
And I'm grateful to report that I
have changed. It's been a slow and often times painful process, but I'm
not the same person today that I was. The healing touch of my Higher Power
has improved virtually every area of my life. But I still got a long way
to go. That's why I must keep coming back, no matter what.