The lady pastor of a new age church I attended for a while said there are only two reasons for people to get married. The first reason is that it has been proven that a loving marriage between a man and a woman is still the best environment to raise a healthy child. The second reason? Friction. That's what she said -- friction.
All my life I have manipulated the people close to me to try and get them to love me exactly the way I think they should. It seems so simple: do it my way, I'll be happy, and life will be good for everyone. Of course no one ever did it "my way" and when they didn't, I pouted, cajoled, whined, resented, yelled, bargained, jumped up and down, negotiated, ignored, and held my breath until my face turned blue. These tactics sometimes got them to pretend they were doing it my way and life would go good for a while, but the next "incident" would prove once again they were really the enemy. Then I would become "still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be." Why oh why can't other people, especially those closest to me, seem to get it right?
Thanks entirely to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, a little bit of truth has seeped into my consciousness: my wife was NOT put in my life to love me the way I think she should. She was put in my life to show me the places I haven't healed yet. It is her spiritual job to push the buttons that activate my fears and insecurities. I sure don't like the pain that results when she touches those places that still hold my guilt and shame. But I'm coming to believe that she is performing a vital spiritual service because without the pain I'm convinced I wouldn't be motivated to grow. Like so many things in my life I had it exactly backwards. Instead of being resentful when my wife pushes my buttons, I should be grateful.
So "faith" in my marriage means hanging in when I want to run and trying to stay open when I want to shut down. It is trusting that there is a valuable lesson in every bit of discomfort she causes me, if only I'm willing to look for it.
The "works" is trying to the best
of my abilitiy to practice the principles of the AA program in all areas
of my marriage life. It is a willingness to look in the mirror when she
hands it to me. When I become aware of an unhealed place inside, I have
the 12 Steps and other spiritual tools to bring the sunlight of the Spirit
to these dark places. The result is that I feel "cleaner" inside today
than ever before and my life feels lighter than it ever did.