During the years before I was graced with the moment of clarity that ultimately led me to Alcoholics Anonymous, I had a habit of buying psychological and spiritual "self-help" books. I had bookcases full of 'em. I couldn't pass a Crown or Borders without going in, browsing the "New Age" section until I found today's answer to my problems. I can remember the excitement of sitting down with a tumbler of wine, cracking the newest book and reading the first few paragraphs.
A few days later this book could be found, half read, gathering dust on my bedside table. I wanted to change. I wanted relief from the fear, anxiety and the feeling that I didn't belong. I wanted the promise of a better life, but I did not know how.
When I thought to pray it was always about changing my outward conditions. "Put a little more on me from the outside God. Please help me get this new job (relationship, money, etc...)" I never thought to ask for God's help with my insides. After all I was a pretty good guy. Besides if I changed, became a "Jesus freak" or something, what would my golfing buddies at the country club say?
Slowly over a period of years alcohol took me on an inevitable downward spiral until I became desperate enough to be willing to change. AA was there to show me HOW. The Doctor's Opinion says: "unless there is an entire psychic change, there is very little hope of his recovery."
Wow. An "entire psychic change"
sounds deep to me. Sounds like I must become willing to change everything
about me, not just some superficial stuff. It sounds like I've got
to visit every nook and cranny of my being and toss out what is not God.
As Chuck C. says, I've got to "uncover, discover and discard." It's
clear that I don't have the power to make these deep changes in me, but
God does. By trying to the best of my ability to integrate the Twelve
Steps into my life, I make room for God to help me make these deep changes.
Then a life of peace, joy and overwhelming beauty is possible.