Although denial kept me from the full truth, I can see now that I had very little life left when I came to in AA at age 47. My spirit was broken, I had no interest or enthusiasm for much of anything, fear was the motor driving my life. I had no job, no friends to speak of, and no hobbies. I was basically living from one high to the next, just trying to keep the wolves from the door -- living in the delusion that a new job was going to fix everything and we would all live happily ever after.
It was in this pathetic state that I received Grace. I was allowed to see the truth about myself -- that my life wasn't working the way it was intended to work. Something I can't explain shifted in me. Hope flooded in pushing out cynicism. The weight came off my life and I floated on a pink cloud. I was willing. All I needed was some direction and my higher power supplied that too -- in the form of Alcoholics Anonymous. Good Orderly Direction.
The message was clear from my first meeting -- if I can just hang with this group and do the things they are doing, then somehow I will be OK. And basically that's the way its gone. I'd watch you do it and I did it for no other reason than I wanted what you had.
I've been graced with the opportunity
to do a lot of AA service. Part of the motivation is the fear that I will
drink again, part of the motivation is ego, but mostly my motivation is
because I get a good feeling from doing it. Enlightened Self Interest
-- what could be better than that? Getting a kick out of helping
other people has got to be best life possible.