I find it pretty funny that when I got to AA I didn't really know anything about myself at all, but I knew exactly how you should love me. Of course I couldn't tell you directly because that would make me vulnerable. God forbid. Then if you failed to give me what I thought I needed the pain would be just unbearable.
I'd like to say that this part of my life has improved, but today I'm still doing many of the same dances -- trying to get from you the love, respect, appreciation, compliments, and consideration I think I can't live without. Hell, don't I deserve these things? After all look at how nice I am to you. Look at how perfect I'm trying to be! LOL
Besides the fear this brings up, this poses another problem for those of us trying to advance on the spiritual path. As Bill says in his essay "Emotional Sobriety"...
"Plainly, I could not avail myself of God’s love until I was able to offer it back to Him by loving others as He would have me, and I couldn’t possibly do that so long as I was victimized by false dependencies. For my dependency meant demand – for the possession and control of the people and conditions surrounding me."It’s kind of a “Catch 22” situation, huh? But he also reminds us of the solution: “work with another alcoholic.” I’m learning that as long as I am expressing love and radiating good without thought of getting anything in return, I can live without the fear that somehow you are going to cut me off.