I remember years ago seeing a cartoon featuring a sad little man with a black cloud over his head that followed him everywhere. Periodically he would get rained on even though there was sunshine and beautiful life everywhere except right where he was standing. I could really identify.
I am coming to believe that whatever I put out into the universe comes back to me as my personal experience. Prior to getting sober and coming to AA I consistently spewed out negativity in thought, word and deed. Yet I was continuously surprised that I couldn't seem to find any peace, joy or happiness in my life no matter how hard I tried. I'd frequently get "rained on" with some kind of unexpected painful experience, but I couldn't seem to connect that I had any part in causing these events. So I wrote them off as bad luck. Sometimes I blamed God.
It would be nice if the black cloud had disappeared as soon as I quit drinking and started living a better life, but it doesn't. It's still there. The difference today is that it's not as dark and threatening and I don't get rained on nearly as often. By trying to the best of my ability to integrate the 12 Steps into my daily life, I've reduced much of the negativity that I send out into the universe. By inventorying my hatreds and harms, by making amends, and by asking and receiving forgiveness, I can lessen the impact of past wreckage on my present life.
Today I'm also learning that if I'm
putting love, compassion, forgiveness and understanding into the universe,
these things will surely come back to me in the form of a beautiful life.